Archive for the ‘dating’ Category

(written 5.8.16)

Okay, so I’ve been waiting to see Captain America 3 since it was announced a couple of years ago.  I’m a single guy, so I found myself in a situation in having to find someone to watch the movie with me.  After all, I’ve never been one to do movies solo.  So, I decided to call a few people to see if they were available.

I called and asked one lady if she was interested and she told me “no.”  She wasn’t into comic book movies.  I appreciated her honesty.  I don’t know if she’s ever given the Marvel movies a try or not, but I guess she knows her limits.

I texted another young lady and she was busy attending a Beyonce concert in Houston and wasn’t able to go.  Beyonce is a ticket just as hot as Captain America around these parts.

So, the 3rd time’s the charm, right?  Yeah. that’s what I hoped.  Worst. Movie. Experience. Ever.

Never see a Marvel movie with a non-fan.  Just don’t do it.  I asked her if she’d ever seen any of the other Captain America movies and she said “no.”  I should have hit the eject button at that point.  When people don’t understand the backstory to characters and the concept of super powers, then it can get very annoying in the theater.

“How can the red head survive these fights without super powers?”

“Does Captain America’s shield give him powers?”

“Why is Spider-Man a boy?  Wasn’t he grown in the last movie?”

“Jeremy Renner doesn’t do anything except shoot arrows?”

Well, that one is a legitimate question.

Anyhoo, the questions became so much for me to handle that I simply asked her to take mental notes and I’d answer the questions after the movie.  That was also a waste of time.

Needless to say, she thought that it was the worst movie she’d ever seen.  I thought that it was an awesome movie.

Memo to self: when you see X-Men this weekend, take someone who has seen and enjoys Marvel movies.


As a guy in my 40’s, I won’t claim to understand women.  “Women are to be loved, not understood” is what someone once said.  However, I’ve picked up on some things in my time on this planet to at least get a gist of what mature-minded women want.  And that’s a man who does not “feel around in the dark” for lack of a better phrase.  Know where you’re going and how to get there at all times, fellas.

So, I want to help the guys out there, who think they’re ready for a relationship, get a to-do list together.

The first thing that you must do is be worthy of dating!

How often do dudes who are in the middle of some drama-filled ordeal, or unemployed and broke, or just not in the right place mentality, try to holla at a lady?  It doesn’t make any sense.  It’s like packing for a trip overseas without buying a plane ticket.  How are you getting there?

Make sure your house is in order before knocking on someone else’s door, fellas.  You only have one mother, so make sure your life is at a place that doesn’t require you to look for another one.  Be able to take care of yourself and a family before engaging a woman in something serious.

If she’s over 30 years old, call more than you text.

I don’t understand the entire “textationship” that some people enjoy.  Maybe because I value a line of communication that actually conveys emotion and inflection.  I’m not frowning on texting, but there’s a time and place for it, if you ask me.  You can text later in the relationship as the two of you grow.  But I’d avoid overdoing it to start things off.

Let a woman hear your voice and see your face.  Allow her to learn your facial expressions and body language first and that will allow your messages to have personality.  It’s easy to get the wrong impression of someone if you try to learn them via text.  You’ll feel as if you know one another because of the volume of messages, but you’ll find out that you really don’t know each other at all.

Take charge and plan the date.

More times than not, ladies will allow a guy to take the reins and determine where the first date will be.  I am so surprised at how many guys I’ve met who do not know how to effectively plan a date with a woman.

  • If you want to see her on Friday, then let her know on Monday.  Allow her time to make whatever arrangements she may deem necessary from pampering herself or making child care decisions.  It will also make it easier on you if you catch her before she makes plans to do something else.
  • Know where you want to take her.  Let her know where you want to go so she can dress accordingly.  If she doesn’t like the place, then she can always tell you.  And be mindful of anything that may negatively affect your dating plans.  If it’s a holiday weekend and/or a really popular place, then make reservations.  If it’s outdoors, then be mindful of the weather forecast.  Think things through.  Don’t take her to a loud concert or a movie if you are still getting to know each other.  Take her somewhere you two can have a conversation without a lot of noise.
  • Dress the part.  Make sure she’s clear on where she’s going so she can dress accordingly.  Do the same.  Don’t show up at a 5-star restaurant dressed like you’re going to a basketball game.  You’ll have plenty of time to be casual around her, if all goes well.  In the meantime, show her that swag.
  • Be on time.  I don’t think that I even have to get an explanation for that one.
  • Open doors, including car doors.  When you’re on a date, then be a chauffeur.  Chivalry isn’t a luxury.  It should be a way of life.
  • Pay for the meal.  For the new age guys who want to feel things out before committing financially, meet her for coffee first.  But once you decide upon a dinner date, then treat her.  A woman usually spends money on a new outfit, hair, nails, etc., to look good for a date.  Don’t compound her spending with making her pay for her own meal, too.
  • Have a secondary location.  After dinner, the night may still be young.  Have another place in mind where the evening can continue in case you need it.  A nice spot overlooking a body of water, a quiet bar for after-dinner drinks, or something of that sort.

Hopefully, this will help some of you guys looking for something long-term with a special someone.  You have to have a plan for everything you take seriously.

    Each day I get older, I see values that meant something to my parents get diluted or just flat-out ignored.  What’s so depressing about it is that society is okay with it.  There aren’t enough people to stand up and say “no, that’s not how it’s done.”  I’m all for evolution of values, but not to the point of eradication.

    So many of today’s younger parents are just lazy or too focused on themselves to be bothered with raising the kids they brought into the world.  The end result is a society of young people who have absolutely no concept of the word “respect.”  I used to think the lack of respect was limited to those roughly 30 years or younger, but I was wrong.  I’ve encountered people close to my age who have no concept of the word “respect.”  Not even on a friendship level.

    One thing that needs to be focused on is how some dudes talk to women.  There are some women who contribute to why guys can be disrespectful at times just by accepting the behavior.  I’ve met quite a few “bad guys” with “decent women” because the women condoned what the guys did.  But I don’t think that a guy should allow a woman to dictate how he lives his life.  Even if a woman allows a man to be disrespectful doesn’t mean that he should do it.  Being a man means doing the right thing regardless if doing the wrong thing is condoned or not.  Regardless of what your friends think.

    Guys now tend to take the shortest route to sex.  That means that they will approach each woman the same way regardless of the woman.  She can be dressed like a stereotypical THOT or like an attorney, but he’ll virtually approach her the same because guys now are taught “quantity” over “quality.”  They won’t waste their time trying to be the wolf in sheep’s clothing.  They just come right out and let you know that they’re a wolf.  If you don’t like it then they’ve wasted what, 2 or 3 minutes with the “Say, Slim?” approach?  If you buy what they’re selling then they know that they can probably get what they want out of you.

    Those who know better need to teach them that it’s wrong to take that approach.  That approach leads to heartaches and unplanned pregnancies with people you don’t respect.  It’s up to us, especially men, to teach younger guys that it’s okay to chat up women, but be a man about it.  Understand that she’s a mother, daughter, or sister to someone.  Know that women, despite what some cultures of society promotes, should be treated with dignity.

    Society has changed both men and woman in so many ways.  Men are now becoming softer and more sensitive and woman are becoming harder and edgier.  That makes it difficult to approach relationships more than ever, but we each need to be responsible for our own gender.  We need to stop pointing fingers at what the other gender is/isn’t doing and pay attention to our own.  Men need to raise boys and women need to raise girls.

    It’s just that simple.

    What Happened to Being Sweet?

    Posted: November 27, 2015 in dating, leverage, women

    That’s funny. Women born before 1975 appeared to do it easily.

    I’m as old school as they come which means there’s a huge disconnect between me and a lot of folks.  Because of that, people younger than me tend to not understand why I shake my head at some of the things going on in today’s society.  Especially when it comes to how men and women interact.

    I had a gap in dating from 2002-2012 during the time that I was married to my late wife.  Unfortunately, when I got thrust back into the dating world, I had no idea how much things had changed.  What a difference a decade makes!

    Right before I first started dating my late wife in 1998, there were two or three other women who had my interest.  All of them brought something different to the table, but the main quality all of them had is that they were sweet.  Not just to me, but to everyone around them.  They knew how to treat me (encouraging).  They knew how to treat their elders (respectful).  They knew how to treat children (nurturing).

    Those days are gone.

    Fast forward to 2015 and things have changed quite a bit.  Many women try to put guys in “their place.”  Many women have no idea how to conduct themselves around their elders without being offensive.  Many women will curse around or even at their kids.  So many women don’t carry themselves like ladies.

    Because in 2015, it’s been put in our heads that none of that stuff matters.  It’s okay to do whatever you want and those who don’t understand it, forget them!  They don’t pay your bills so who cares what they think, right?

    One of the main things that made me smile when thinking about a woman is no more.  Sweetness is gone.  Women now are just as hard if not harder than men and it’s quite an adjustment.  The sweet, nurturing, inspirational ladies that once made me feel 10 feet tall are rarer than ever these days.  To some women, to be sweet is to be weak.  If she’s too kind to a man then he may use it as leverage in the relationship.  Can’t have a guy thinking that you actually like him, right?

    A man is supposed to be a visionary, leader, teacher, cultivator, provider, and protector.  All six of those things come to us naturally, but society teaches us how to suppress them.  The same applies to women.  Social media and TV encourages women to not worry about their reputation.

    Look at that photo of Nicki Minaj and read her quote again.  She thinks that being “super-sweet,” “sexy”, or “nice” is hard?


    This ad has nothing to do with this post other than the word “sweet,” but it’s a hilarious ad to me.

    Hear me out before jumping to conclusions over my eye-catching title.  I’m definitely not saying that fellas out there should resort to dog-like tactics and abandon doing the right thing when it comes to women.  I just wanted to share a perspective that one of my Facebook friends posted.

    I have never really considered this particular perspective before, but when I truly considered what was being said, it made a lot of sense to me.

    Here’s the post:

    FYI: Guys please go sit down with that a woman don’t want a good man mess/excuse when she’s just not interested in you… First of all just because “you” perceive yourself to be a good man doesn’t mean that’s what I see… Everyone’s definition of good is different… Second of all even if you are a good man doesn’t mean we would be good together…. Therefore,I would suggest that you take your good arse,on your good way and have a good day!! 👉🏽🚪Everyone feels that they are a good catch in someway! GTFOH!!! Oh yes Happy Sunday!!

    Simple and to the point.  Now, I don’t know what prompted her post, but it hit home with me after I considered what was being conveyed.  I’ve always been respectful, giving, honest, etc.  Things that a lot of women say that they want in a man.  But, I lost sight of the fact that it doesn’t guarantee me anything.  No one owes me a date or anything simply because of how I evaluate myself.

    I see on it TV as well as read tweets and posts of women who say “all I want is a good man.”  And I bought into that and took it at face value.  A mistake that I’ll not make again.  There’s more to the statement that’s left unsaid.  “All I want is a good man… who is (insert height here) or (insert size here) or (insert style/swag here) or (insert career here), etc.”  To me, that’s what is not being said when that statement is being made.

    And you know what?  There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that!  We all want what we want.  Countless times in my life, I’ve shied away from certain women because I didn’t like how they dressed, I didn’t like how they spoke, or maybe they just weren’t attractive to me.  There are a number of reasons all of us pass up on someone who may actually be a nice person, but they just don’t do it for us for some reason.

    As a guy, it’s very hard to admit that a lady just may not be into you.  Especially when you feel as if you have the world to offer her.  A lot of us want to justify how we select our mates yet criticize why others don’t select us.  That’s just simply unfair.

    So, I thank Kandi for opening my eyes to something that I’ve never considered.  You don’t blame a person for not seeing you the way that you see yourself.  If it’s something about you that she doesn’t like that you can change, then fix it.  If it’s something about you that you can’t change, then just find someone who has more of an appreciation for whatever that is.  Either way, being a good guy means nothing if a woman just isn’t into you.

    With permission from Kandi

    (Way) Back in the day, let’s say the early 60’s, guys could call the shots when it came to courting. Men were the bread winners and that afforded them some luxuries when it came to a mate selection. A lot of guys had the ability to choose exactly what they wanted in a mate because at the time, most women were simply looking for security. They wanted a man who could pay the bills and be a provider to a family.

    Fast forward to 2015 and the roles have completely changed. Guys are no longer sole providers of households. In fact, guys are rarely providers of households in a lot of communities across the country which is a blog post within itself. Ladies have gotten more educated and have increased their earning potential. The result: now they are the ones making the mate selection.

    The days when a woman only cared about security are just about gone. Now that she has her own, she can do what the guys once did exclusively: she can pick and choose a mate as she pleases.

    For the old school, provider type of guy, this is a huge dilemma.  Because now, despite being reliable, responsible, and secure, you have to be attractive, exciting, and generous in order to “get the girl” in so many cases.  She doesn’t have to go for reliable, responsible, and secure any more because she can provide all of that for herself.  If she so chooses, she now has the luxury of going after knuckleheads built like Vin Diesel because she can pick up the slack.

    Oh, snap!  That sucks for a reliable, responsible, secure dude like me (not remotely built like Vin Diesel)!  LOL!  If I don’t hit the gym hard then I’ll be relegated to a side piece (at best) whose only responsibility is taking her out on dates while “Vin Diesel” gets the goods after I drop her off at home!  (drops down and does 50 push ups…)

    Okay, maybe I only did 22 push ups, but that’s beside the point.  In all seriousness, guys who look to do the right thing and treat people the right way can’t be worried about what the selection process some women have adopted.  There are still some women who just want a nice guy who treats people right (call me).

    Besides, who can blame women for doing the same thing that men did decades ago?  Ladies can now enjoy a bigger dating pool because security is no longer a worry. Now the guys can work on being “suitable husbands” and concentrate on “looking the part.”  I know a few guys who are “gym rats” that farm themselves out to multiple women.  They understand that they’re only wanted because of their bodies and they are more than happy to oblige these women who really don’t seek much else.

    I don’t knock those brothas one bit for reaping the benefits of toned biceps and ab muscles.  Maybe I would be less reliable, responsible, and secure, too if I had six pack abs instead of a keg!  Only time will tell… 🙂

    (23…..  24….  25….)

    Relationships are easy to get into, but difficult to maintain.  So, it’s safe to say that you have to avoid certain pitfalls in order to find one that works.  You have to put yourself in a position to succeed if you want something that could end up in a long term or permanent venture.  In order to be a spouse, you have to become a spouse.

    Now, that sounds redundant, but if you heard me say it instead of just reading it then you would think that I was a philosopher or something. 🙂

    To “become a spouse” you have to have your life in order.  Any chaos in your life will transfer to anyone you try to date.  No matter how you try to hide or suppress whatever is causing strife at home it will come to the forefront.  And more than likely it will be the wedge driven between you and your significant other.

    One of those things that drives a wedge in relationship is money.  Generally, the lack thereof.  Any time someone doesn’t know how their next bill is going to get paid then that’s the pure definition of “stress.”  You’re “robbing Peter to pay Paul,” you’re getting extensions, paying late fees, and other things just to maintain some necessities in life.  But, you want to go out this weekend with someone you just met?  Child, please.

    For men, we’re expected by most of society to “court” the woman.  That can mean taking her to dinner, movies, etc.  There are free and inexpensive ways to get to know someone, but that depends on the woman.  There are some women who don’t care where you go or what you do.  They just want to spend time with you and be treated with respect.  Most men refer to those women as “potential wives” or the “kind you take home to Momma.”  If a woman has to go out to eat, drink, socialize just to be with you then most men like to call them “rentals.”  Harsh, but true.

    Now this blog does not apply to college students who are usually broke.  We understand your situation.  But as an adult it’s imperative that you have some sort of income that will allow you to date.  There are some females who don’t require being courted, so they’ll be okay with “coming over to chill” at the crib with you.  A DVD and fast food can turn into sex.  You can get by being broke with them because they have lower standards anyway.  That’s why I referred to them as “females” instead of “ladies.”

    However, ladies generally want to be courted and expect the man to entertain.  That actually rubs some guys (notice I said “guys” and not “men”) the wrong way.  Some guys will sit back and think, “well, I spent $50 on dinner and she didn’t spend a dime.  She owes me.”

    Well, some women do treat the man every now and then and it’s a wonderful and appreciated gesture.  Yet, a lot of guys are quick to holler, “Why doesn’t she treat me every other date?  She works a full-time job just like I work one!”

    Well, consider this, fellas: most women buy a new outfit when they go out with someone new.  Let’s just say hers cost $100.  She also wants to get her hair and nails done.  Add in another $100.  Do you still think that she kept her purse closed for your date?  Absolutely not.  Because she wants to look just as impressive if not more impressive than the time you met her and asked her out.  Guys, you probably actually come out cheaper just paying for dinner than what it cost her to get ready for dinner.  I’m just saying.

    So, don’t be so quick to ask her to foot the bill when all you did is get a hair cut, um ‘kay?

    The bottom line is: “Romance without finance is a nuisance.”  Money isn’t necessary to have a good time and enjoy someone, but in today’s society it’s very important.  Very little is free these days, so finding entertainment can be costly depending on where you live.  So, if you find someone worthy of your time then be in a place where both of you aren’t restricted because of finances.  Being financially secure can give you a peace of mind that can make you a lot more pleasant to date.