Freak Me, Baby!

Posted: September 4, 2011 in men, relationship, sex, women

Okay, now that I have your attention… A question came up during my interview on Looking For My Spouse Radio last week:

Should a woman go “Jenna Jameson” on a man during their first sexual encounter?

Grab the camera, baby!

In other words, the first time she gets with a man, should she let herself go and use every move that she has? Or should she show him just a little bit more of her arsenal with each experience?

Now, there are two ways to look at this: if you decide to break out the lubes, gerbils, jumper cables and a tarp to spread on the floor, then it could cause a bit of anxiety with the man. Especially, if he’s old school.

Some of the traditional men think that the freakiness of a long-term sexual relationship should evolve over time. If a woman breaks out the whips and chains on sex night #1, then the average traditional man will think that she’s “been around the block” and will consider her as a “freak.” More than likely, this means that any chance of something long term will end after that evening. Is it fair? Maybe not, but it’s reality. Guys know that every woman they meet isn’t a virgin, but if they’re going to consider that woman for something long term, then they may not be comfortable with the fact that she appears to have tons of experience. Even if she’s only been with one or two guys before, a lady breaking out a camcorder and tripod the very first time could scare off the guy. Now, of course this doesn’t apply to one-night stands. Anything goes when there’s no future planned between the two.

Now, let’s look at this from another point of view. And this may be from a more modern view. Some guys don’t want a corpse in bed. They want a woman who is going to “bring it” like a $1,000 hooker. To them, if a woman is not holding anything back the first time they have sex, then she’s being true to herself. She’s allowing her passion to take over her actions and that lack of restraint could mean a lifetime of pleasure for him. In his mind, she is so comfortable with her sexuality and him, that she’s allowing her desires to take over the situation. So, even if she asks to be spanked, he’s more willing to oblige because he realizes and accepts the fact that whatever sex happened prior to him is simply “the past” and her only focus is “the present.”

No, not “whipped cream,” I said, “whip, scream.”

Besides, aren’t women allowed to enjoy sex, too? Should women be bound to traditional concepts and suppress what they’re really feeling just to maintain an image in bed? How stupid is that? Before my interview on LFMS Radio, I would have fallen into that traditional line of thinking. Hearing someone’s point of view on the topic actually made me reconsider. Back when I was single, a woman who got all Vivid Video with me would have scared me off. In fact, it did happen with one lady in particular. She did way too much way too soon (first date) and before I knew her last name, I knew how flexible she was. Fast forward to today, if I were in that same position (no pun intended), I’d be a little more understanding of what happened. Now, I still would not have considered this particular young lady as long term material because on that first date, I determined that she was a straight hood rat. LOL! But, I wouldn’t have let her appetite for destruction in the bedroom deter me.

So, fellas, let’s cut the women some slack. If they want to let it all hang out (literally), then don’t assume it’s because she took classes at the Bunny Ranch or something. Regardless of where her ideas originate, just be thankful that she wants to share them with you. Even if it’s not your thing, it would be unfair to pass judgement on her. She’s not a ho because she enjoys sex. She’s just a human being who likes sex. Women deal with too many double standards as it is. No one would say anything if a man asked a woman if he could “wheelbarrow” her against the headboard during their first time. That’s just a “man being a man,” right?

Well, when can a “woman just be a woman?” Don’t you want a woman who enjoys sex? Hello?

Forget tradition. I want her to do me like I owe her a mule.
  1. With every partner, a rule has appeared:"The first time is the worst time."Not meaning it's bad sex, but meaning the point of the first time is to let all of that passion that's been building out. It's usually a little awkward, whether it's meant to be or not. After all, every partner is different.Sex can be good the first or second time around, and it has for me. But it seems like you never reach your true potential with your partner until you've 'had some practice.'Ladies, if a guy looked at you during the first time, pulled out a strap-on and said "here, put this on…" what would you do? Guys, if a girl meets you at the door for the third date with a full-body latex suit and a riding crop, what would you do?Just sayin. The first time is usually just vanilla sex. Maybe a step above, depending on chemistry. The walls usually don't come down, or the freak flags hoisted, until you're a bit more comfortable.

  2. Jewels says:

    The most important factor here is whether or not this encounter is a one night stand, friends with benefits, or a relationship. If it is a one night stand then there are no limits…you'll never see this person again so let your freak flag fly, pull out all your tricks, and make sure it is memorable for both parties (in a good way). The same can be said with a friends w/benefits situation. These are purely sexual relationships so there really are no rules or fear of somebody not liking you any longer if you let your true fantasies come to light. That is pretty much what these relationships are for. I agree with about relationships though -I don't think that the first time is ever the best time with somebody. You are feeling each other out, getting to know their buttons, and what works for you as a pair. No two men (or women) are built the exact same and angles, positions, and speed/depth need to vary to make sure that everyone enjoys themselves. The first couple times are a feeling out process. Eventually the rest comes into play with slow introductions and encouragement for a spank, hair pull, nibble, dirty talk, etc…but not usually the first time.

  3. Thank, Q says:

    @ LiI – "Here, put this on…" LOL! I can imagine the look on her face when that happens. For some, that might be a concern be it the 1st time or the 101st time. LOL!@ Jewels – I understand what you and LiI are saying completely. I do think that both parties should be allowed to be creative to a certain extent though. A lady shouldn't feel that it's going to strictly be missionary or bust simply because she doesn't want to run the man off. If she's down with the reverse rodeo, then by all means, shouldn't she be able to ride on out? That's what I'm curious about. If a woman decides to not break out the Kama Sutra book, how much does she show to at least prove she's not boring?

  4. TQ. I find myself having a little trouble understanding this entire debate. Good sex is sex between two people who are enjoying themselves. As for myself, if a woman wants to wear a strap-on with her man, I'd kind of like to learn that one EARLY in the relationship.If a man is only interested in a woman in possession of a closet full of toys, then he needs to tell her right up front. Otherwise, if you determine you aren't compatible you wasted all of that sex. That's one of the ways you make bad sex.Another way to make bad sex is with poor personal hygiene. Nothing says "No thank you" like crusty sex parts.For me, I like a woman who owns her own stun gun. Just saying.FUCK RICK PERRY!PS- I think Jewels might be my type.

  5. Thank, Q says:

    @ Mooner – "Crusty" and "sex" should never be in the same sentence. Ew. BTW, I think Jewels does own a stun gun. If not, I know Lost in Idaho can let her borrow his Stunner. You're right, a man who isn't into strap ons, (or what them into him), would like to know on Day One if the lady has intentions on impaling him or not. Good sex is good sex, like you said, but is it a relationship or is it just sex? I think that's what has to be established first. After that's done, then maybe some uncomfortable questions need to be asked to avoid surprises. I don't want to be in a room with a barking dog and a parrot in the corner shouting out "grab her hair" throughout the entire event. Not the kind of surprise I prefer.

  6. Jewels says:

    Q-gotcha. I don't think there is anything wrong at all with switching up positions. I would be horribly disappointed if that wasn't an option in a first time encounter with a guy and I can promise there would be no repeat if that was the case. From a guys perspective I can't say what the line is between boring and exciting in bed but personally I think that even if there is a lack of switching positions and kinky play that you can still be exciting in bed if you are vocal to your man about everything he is doing right and guiding him (gently and with consideration to his ego) in the right direction if he isn't quite getting it. No man likes a dead fish in bed. Even in missionary a woman can be responsive and engaged and there is no excuse for just lying there and being a passive participant in love making/sex/fucking, etc. I think that most people with serious kinks such as women enjoying penetrating their partners, BDSM, and extreme bondage are usually pretty up front about those things at the start of a sexual relationship…and if not I agree they should be. As for the smaller kinks, spanking, hair pulling, light bondage, role play, fantasy play, biting, crazy positions, light choking…well those can be shared later without much fear of being totally shut down. In my experience most lovers are open to trying new things as long as it is approached correctly. Mooner-you cheeky man you! I think you'd enjoy my "other" blog. check it out! 😉

  7. Thank, Q says:

    @ Jewels – Wow, Jewels, you really listed pretty much everything there. I can sense guys all over the world printing your last comment (along with your website link) on their LaserJets for future checklist.I can't argue with any of what you said at all. Communication is key.

  8. Lawfrog says:

    Q, this is possibly one of your best posts and I am loving all the responses. Interestingly enough, I was thinking about this topic the other day and I concluded that, assuming the relationship is going to be a long-term one, you probably don't want to pull out all the tricks the first time. Not because you are afraid of running the guy off, but because a little mystery never hurts. Why have all the fun right away? Why not have other things to look forward to in the bedroom? I think it keeps it from being boring to be willing to try new things as the relationship goes along.

  9. Jewels says:

    Q-that isn't even the tip of the iceberg when it comes to sex…but it is a good start! 😉 My email is listed on my blog for anyone interested…hehe. I am currently running a 900 number…who knew having a cold could be so profitable? It gives me the sexiest bedroom voice. You may call me for $5.99 the first minute and $2.99 each additional minute. I will offer a discount if you mention Q's name or if you have left a message on my naughty blog somewhere. 🙂

  10. Thank, Q says:

    @ Lawfrog – First of all, thanks! Also, you make a really good point when it comes to having something to look forward to as the relationship evolves. Why serve dessert first? You'll spoil my appetite. :)@ Jewels – Some how I'm sure your list is longer. I've read some of the posts from the "other" blog that you have and it's very descriptive and vivid. Excellent work. You should look into publishing. Especially the series about the office lady fooling around with her boss.

  11. I'm with Idahomie – I think the first time is the worst time (if it's someone you're digging and could see yourself taking home to meet the 'rents at some point). And I also agree with Jewels – depends on how you "categorize" the person you're with – if you know damned well that it's gonna be a one time thing, then no sense in letting the moment go to waste if you just KNOW that the other party has the ability to get their freak on and and get you off. Personally, if I'm digging the dude, I'm not showing all of my cards the first time, but it's not going to be boring-like-a-visit-to-your-accountant either. Smart women dole the shit out piecemeal…keep 'em coming back for more. Same thing goes with cooking. You don't "WOW!" 'em with your best dish right off the bat. You start out with something that tastes good (so they KNOW you can cook), but not your "slap yo' mama" secret big guns dish!

  12. Thank, Q says:

    Reckmonster is on point! It is the same as cooking. Coach Steph from always says, "don't get a boyfriend husband benefits." You have to leave something for later if you ask me. Don't be vanilla, but don't be a double scooped customized cone from Marble Slab either!

  13. Tiffany says:

    I died when I read this >> "if you decide to break out the lubes, gerbils, jumper cables and a tarp to spread on the floor…" I can't really relate to this since my hubby was my first and I was completely clueless about what to do in the sack.I was a corpse, but with good reason, no? I guess women should find a balance between Jenna Jameson and the shy girl next door.

  14. Thank, Q says:

    @ Tiff – Ideally, each person should be the other's first, but of course, it's 2011! That doesn't happen! LOL! You're right, there has to be a balance, but I do think a woman has to hold back a bit and not break out the aforementioned list the first time. 🙂

  15. Cinderita says:

    Wow. This discussion is soooo interesting and I can see it could potentially become a bit heated. I'm going to tweet it out and see what happens. Awesome post and I'd like to thank Jewels for directing me over here. I love posts like this one. One's that you know are inevitably going to stir up the "man/vs/woman" conversation. Why is it okay for a man to do all the freaky stuff on a first time out, but not for women? I like that topic.I agree to a certain extent that the 1st time can be awkward. The worst first time I ever had was a couple of years ago with someone I was already in love with and he turned out suck in the sack. And not in a good way. So when on a first time out, both people are more concerned with what their partner is thinking it doesn't really matter what you haul out of your magic tickle trunk. As long as the end result is as it should be, the rest doesn't matter.However, having said all that, it's possible that the first time out is HELLAGOOD for everyone, and by everyone I just mean the couple, if the build up has been good. It's possible that the first time rocks both your socks off depending on the personalities and the level of chemistry. I think once you get to a certain stage in life, it makes no difference if you choose to sleep with someone on the 1st date or 10 dates in. It really doesn't.I'm good at what I do. If I want to pull out all the stops the first time out, then I will. But not because I'm a slut or have been around the block. Only because I know what I like, and I know what I want, and I'm confident enough to show that prior to getting into bed. I know there is a very fine line that can get easily blurred, but at the end of the day, we want someone who is confident and manly (women do anyway) and definitely alpha. I want a guy to feel comfortable enough with me the 1st time out to spank me if he wants to. And quite frankly if I happen to turn over at just the right moment and do a little somethin' somethin' with my posterior..what's a fella to do? Awesome awesome AWESOME post! Thanks for writing it! I might be tempted to write something in response soon. Maybe we can do a joint post..and I promise, I'll keep all my toys in the closet.

  16. Thank, Q says:

    @ Cinderita – Excellent comment! I really enjoyed that. You can link posts with me any day! Props to Jewels for sending you my way. I can't wait to see what else you have in store now that we've found one another.You're right. It is about comfort, but it's also about the man not passing judgement. Some times, it's hard for us not to do so, but we men need to be mindful and not assume that every woman who is good in bed is a freak (in a bad way).And don't be shy about breaking out your toys. I'm a big boy, I can handle it. 🙂

  17. Cinderita says:

    Hang on a second. Why is it that men ARE like that? Why DO they think that women who might be "freaky" in bed aren't long term partner material? SEE. Now that would make for an interesting post.

  18. Thank, Q says:

    @ Cinderita – Men are conditioned like that. Some of us think that a woman who is super-freaky the 1st time is a nympho or something. It's insecurities that some men have that long term prospects are supposed to grow into sex instead of breaking out the egg beater and baby oil on a 3rd date. It's just a cultural brainwashing that men have endured for decades where there is a double-standard for men and women when it comes to sex.

  19. Cinderita says:

    And statistically, 98% of men have been with far more women than women have with men by the age of 35. Tell me how that works? (By the way, I totally made those stats up, but I bet it's true.)

  20. Thank, Q says:

    @ Cinderita – Yeah, we'll just roll with your stats. It's probably correct. Men get praised for having "skins on the wall" for lack of a better phrase. Peer pressure is the reason why guys feel the need to "seek and destroy" rather than let things come to them. It's a primal instinct to hunt down the "il-na-na" to feel more manly. Is it a form of insecurity? Sure! Do we men care? No! Society allows us to be "hoes" without very many consequences. Women aren't afforded that luxury although things are changing.

  21. Cinderita says:

    PS I'm adding this to my What I Loved Wednesday post next week (or tomorrow if I have time to write one) and we'll see how much more traffic AND conversation this post can generate. I want more people to read it. It's interesting and it's sparking some pretty great discussion! That's the best part sometimes.

  22. So thrilled to see this post getting some more attention. I always wonder about things from a female standpoint and love hearing how the men think. It is unfortunate that men have this view of women and sex because it does make some women more reserved and we'd all be having much better sex if the stereotype wasn't there. Then there are lovelies like Rita who say F the rules and have awesome sex regardless. Love her!

  23. Thank, Q says:

    Well, I appreciate all Stumbles, Diggs and tweets and both of you are exactly right: this does need to be discussed more. Women need to stand up to try and do away with some of these double standards. Guys need to dash those values that were instilled in us in the 1800's and come to the future with a different perspective.

  24. Random Girl says:

    Wow, how am I late this party?? I'm usually one of the firsts when it comes to a topic as luscious as this one! Thanks to Jewels and Rita for shouting the merits of this post from the rooftops, I get the picture, I'm here!! Good stuff!

    As those lovely girls already know, I don't do well with rules. And I like to share my shenanigans, so hopefully I am helping other women own their sexiness and have at it however they choose without feeling like they have to filter themselves in the bedroom. No one wins in the situation.

    I do agree that your first time style can be varied depending on intentions of the situation. One night stands? Who cares what he thinks of you after? Fuck buddies? You want to make sure that you leave some room to explore and push limits the more times you are together so you might want to slow start a little as teaser.

    Where it gets tricky is the relationship worthy start up. I still think it is better to be yourself, a little freak if you both are down for it, but I don't think vanilla sex or pretending to be a timid virgin are the way to roll either. Give him a taste, and let him know it only gets better. And then back it up with actions. Just my two cents.

  25. Thank, Q says:

    @ Random Girl – It's never late to join this party! I like your comment! It's all situational, but a woman should be free to choose how she wishes to approach it. She should not have to hide behind a century of double standards set by men. Thanks for joining and I hope to see you around! 🙂

  26. I think that a woman should kind of gauge the situation and see what will fly and what won't. It think she should completely be herself and not change her "style" for anyone but she also shouldn't put on a show the first time around. Great points and food for thought!

  27. Jimmy Jacob says:

    The first time you have sex is always the most memorable and freaky. I wouldn't want a woman to break out chains and whips (but that's just me–because I'm not into that.) But, the first time, I would like to try as many positions as possible and want her to take control. If she is confident enough to flip me on my back and doing all the work…then I'm good with that! A woman who enjoys sex should be celebrated not dogged.

  28. Thank, Q says:

    Thanks for stopping in! She definitely needs to assess the situation because she doesn't want to be too boring either. However, she should enjoy the moment and not cheat herself.

  29. Thank, Q says:

    Amen to that, Jimmy! Because no one wants a long term relationship with a person who doesn't enjoy sex! Thanks for stopping in!

  30. I don't think people should get all freaky at first. I think the first thing to look for during the first encounter is if your partner will focus on you as well as themselves in an equal way. If they're overly focused on them or overly focused on you, then that's a sign to me that the relationship generally (and sex, too) probably won't be a good relationship. But I'm a marriage counselor, I look for these things.

  31. Thank, Q says:

    Great point, Dr. Anderson! I never looked at it that way, but if the focus is off, then it could show selfishness or other bad quality on a mate's part.

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